In the making- By: Loren Fay

Missing & loving my old & new friends.

2010-01-23T23:27:00.008-05:00

I am in my last and final full semester at college. Then I have to take on class over the summer and I'll be graduating. I wish that a few of my best &/or close friends could be there for me, but I don't have enough courage to ask them to come. I don't actually think I'll even go to the 'officially' graduation, cause I basically have no friends left anyhow. Sad, but true. I can just get my diploma in the mail, pack my things, move out, then get out of Florida. There's nothing left for me here. No one cares where I go to be honest (besides my parents and doggies), but maybe that's a good thing. Less attachment.

I have stopped writing. I don't know for how long that will be, but I just can't do it anymore. Not because I am giving up on the book, but partially because I have given up on myself. I am sure I'll come back to it in the near future once I get a grip on myself and keep things under control, but at the moment my life is so overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry and run away. Maybe its a good thing I have no friends, cause then I would probably kill myself with being overwhelmed.

Andrea (one of my best friends) is going back to California in a week and a half and I wont see her again till mid June. Ill have no friends that live anywhere near me, once more. Erica is a great friend. She has given me the proper comfort and support in this time in my life that I have needed from a good, real, and true person. I am glad to have her in my life. And Jamie & I are friends again, which is good, but our schedules are so out-of-sync that we will never see each other anyhow which is sad cause we need some bonding time. Michelle & I are building our friendship back to its strength and greatness that it use to be, which is excellent and I am happy about. She is a great person inside and out and I can't see my life without her in it. I just wish she lived closer so we could just drive up the road to each other when we needed a shoulder to lean on. Skylar is a great & best friend with a great big heart but I have always felt like a bad friend for burdening her with my issues, even though I do from time to time, but she has a whole new busy life and I feel like a jerk for putting my stuff on her shoulders so I don't do it as much anymore. She has such a big life with a huge loving family and she is so lucky to have that love that is constantly shown to her. I admire her for balancing her life and keeping on track with her goals and what she knows God wants for her. I miss Brittany G., Stephanie T. and Anna Taylor a lot, but I can't keep up with their lives and I'm not apart of them. I offended them all greatly with me pushing them away and being rude and rotten to them all, so now I'm left with the whispey ruminates of memories of our friendship. It's is all my fault I believe, but I feel there is nothing I can do about it anyhow. I feel helpless and stupid. Breanne and I are so distant, it is very disheartening. It is both of our faults, but there doesn't seem like there is much to do on that one at this moment in our lives. I wish it was different, but literal distance, and having nothing in common has seemingly torn us apart :(

But, those things are just my perspective at the moment.

I miss Kenny a lot. More than I have the words to tell him. I miss his stupid jokes that I never got until everyone was done laughing. I miss the kindness that his good mother taught him and how he was always (& still does) trying to be nothing more than a true, good christ-following young man. I miss the fact he doesn't know how much I admire that, even from afar. I miss his awkward hugs (cause he never seemed to want to do them, & I understood why).. I miss listening to him playing the piano in the pitch black dark of church and I miss hearing him pound away on the drums downstairs. I miss texting him and waking him up to tell him retarded things and actually having him respond to me when he had already been sleeping (because he was a good enough friend to wake up and read it and write back). I miss the fact he was kind enough to help me when I had crutches (I don't miss the crutches though, cause goodness knows I couldn't use those dang things!!). I miss his impeccable sense of style (lol, I'm not kidding. If I was a boy I'd dress like him). I miss seeing him write things on his blog as much, though its probably due to him being busy. I miss taking trips to the park with the boys and I miss being the only girl and having fun hanging out in the C&C room until all hours of the night. I miss the Slushers and their unwordably abundant kindness and good things their did for me. I miss late night talks with Emily. I miss the little Slushers and seeing the sleepy faces in the morning before church and how I felt like they were my little siblings as I helped everyone get ready for Sunday morning church. I miss going to the beach with the boys at midnight and watching the stars and laughing like people without a care in the world (though we all had hard things troubling us). I miss late night meals with the boys. I miss Randy and his cheesy grin and the fact all the ladies flocked to him like a magnet and I always knew/know what he is thinking, as if I were in his mind LOL. I miss all of the older people from First Baptist daily. I just think about Monday mornings when I went with Ben to SALT's and played games with them and had great conversation and great "lessons on life". Seems like many of them are passing away, left and right, and I left so abruptly, I don't have the courage to go back. I wish I was friends with Ben again, like we use to be. I gave in to my stubbornness and decided it wasn't worth being angry at him anymore for the wrongs he did. I haven't really forgiven him, or anyone to be honest.. mostly just forgotten, or moved on. Sometimes I feel a bit of anger rise up if I dwell, but I try not to. When I get so overwhelmed, things just slip away. I slip away. I did that you know. I slipped away, because I got too overwhelmed and I couldn't handle the pain and suffering and I mourned in silence for my loss and I cried out in pain and anguish the wrong way. I hated people and I gave up on myself. I left fear and pain eat me alive, as it still does from time to time (but I'm working on it). I miss the youth kids from church and I miss their good attitudes and their smiles and their conversations and genuineness. I miss Brittany, Victoria, and Kyana a ton. I think of them every day, and I doubt that they do me, but I always hope that they are doing well with whatever they are up to in their lives. I miss Bubba, John David, Mark Davis (even though I still see him from time to time when we hang out), I miss the Hales, & Elias. I miss Kaeli and her beautiful voice and music talents that match her beautiful personality. I miss the Branches ( & Carl). I miss Ninja (the gray kittie cat that made me fall in love with cats and hope that I am fortunate enough to get a cat like Ninja one day). I miss Peanut. I miss sleeping on that uncomfortable couch at the Branches. I miss their open hearts and kind, forgiving arms that always welcomed me in for hugs. I miss meeting random people at that house. I miss J.J. and his warm and inviting laugh. I miss his kids(that I hardly knew, but I knew they were good kids on the inside and they knew God). I miss his wife Beth, because Jonathan always told me how awesome she was, but I never got to find out. I miss the freedom of having everyone and everything the way it was, back when we knew life as a temporary perfection. Until it changed. Until I changed, I suppose.

I can't help but agree with my arguing self that I don't believe in God and I have never felt more let down with myself over anything in my life. I am completely empty and apathetic towards life. I just stopped taking all of my meds about two weeks ago. I think that I need to do this depression thing on my own. I just don't know where to begin. I expect the church's answer to be "God", but thats not sufficient enough for me. I need more. I need a helping hand. I need a hug. I need a shoulder to cry on and I need someone to tell me their care about me and that my life isn't a waste of time. But I'm not getting it, and I am really good at hiding my tears.

I could say how much I miss Jonathan here but I really can't. Idon't really feel or know how to share that information correctly without just bursting into unending tears. It's too personal to get in depth about and I can't even figure out my emotions to explain them properly anyhow. Their such a miss-mush of confusion, anger, pain, and questions. It has only really started to sink in about a month ago that he really is gone. His twentieth birthday just passed by this Wed, Jan 20th, 2010. His death of one year is creeping up on me exceedingly fast and I just feel like I have been living in a daze for about 12 months.. it's true, I really have. I am only now beginning to see past the fog of this year fractionally, but some days are a rougher storm than others. I see a grief counselor secretly, once every 2 or 3 weeks. It isn't really working, but its nice to have someone who isn't objective to talk to about my feelings of his passing. I don't know how to deal. But it's not like there is a manual for this sort of thing. I am assuming the church would say, "the bible is", but once more, that's not an answer to me. Thats a band-aid. I need more than a band-aid. Jesus is more than a band-aid. I get that. But it's all talk as far as I'm concerned.

I thought I believed. I really did. I must have been super confused or super dumb. I'm not easily pursued, and that's why I thought I believed. No one pursueded me into anything. I learnt and taught myself of my own accord. I enjoyed God, most of the time. But now I don't know anything and I feel like a ghost, fading away into the memories of those people that I love(d) and listed above. Since I don't love or seemingly know their God, then it's okay to let me go because I am less important.

:/

I'm taking 5 classes this semester, and I work full time. I think I am going to die. Truly. Only two weeks in and I can't keep up at all. I am more overwhelmed than I even imaged was possible. I need some encouragement and hope in my life. Because I am down to nothing.

19.

2009-11-25T00:23:00.003-05:00

It has been over a month since my last post. So I shall make s brief one now. I am doing good so far. I am not writing as much as I would like, but this Turkey Break we are having is going to be my writing week/weekend. Tomorrow I am meeting up with an old friend, Ashley Keyso. She is my childhood friend, and goes away to college up in Tennessee, so it has been about a year and a half since I last saw her. We just never got the time when ever she was home or something came up.. so tomorrow is going to be pretty special. Anyhow, after spending the afternoon with her I shall be going to the shooting range with my friend Jonathan. Should be interesting, to say the least. I have not shot a gun since I was a child. We are just going to play around, and he is going to teach me how to shoot a gun ;) LOL. So yea, I am a bit nervous to do that, but definitely excited. My homework load has been coming out of my eye balls, so I have been exceptionally overwhelmed with all of my work that I have not been able to write anything in my book for about a month now. It is pretty bad, but I can not wait for winter break. Thanksgiving break won't be long enough.. I can already feel the non-excitement about having to go back on Monday, and I haven't even had my first official day off yet(which is tomorrow lol). So sleep well to you all, my blogger world. I shall post some more updates once I get on the ball and start writing in my book again, once exams are over in 3 weeks!

18.

2009-10-09T16:58:00.005-04:00

I just vamped up all of my blogs.
Goodness, did it take forever or WHAT!!
*woo- wipes brow sweat*

Check the other blog out at:
www.lorenfay.blogspot.com

Anyhow, tell me what you think of the new
blog backgrounds!?

Thanks to www.shabbyblogs.com for their
creative works of art & letting me use them
for creating MY works of art!

Anyhow, I am really heavy into writing
some short stories for my up & coming
midterms this week.
*fingers crossed & sending up a couple of prayers!!*
So I have sort of been on hiatus from
my own writing-for-pleasure, aka, my book.

I will get back on track once all my midterms
on complete in about a week & a half & then
I can relax & take an easy for a little bit.
.. But before I know it, I'll blink &
final exams will be upon me! Oh goodness!! LOL

Well, I'm doing pretty gosh darn excellent in
all of my classes this semester, for once haha.
So yay me. I am still procrastinating the heck out
of everything, but I am trying hard to do better
at & actually build a work ethic for myself :D

Well, I'm off to have dinner with friends.
Have a nice Friday night/weekend, to you all!

17.

2009-09-11T14:10:00.003-04:00

New laptop.
New outlook.
New friends.
New confidence.
New joy.
New passion.
New words.
New stories.
New poems.
New school.
New classes.
New professors.
New classmates.
New stationary.
New wardrobe.
New age(birthday just passed).
New weight.
New books.
New writing.
New home(soon).
New new new!

I am living it up my fellow bloggers.
Hope you are all having a wonderful
September. I am going to finish this
year with a smile on my face.. 4 months
& counting.

So excited about my new writing!
The book really is coming along :)

16.

2009-07-18T01:09:00.002-04:00

Hello people! I am so excited to announce the continuation of my writing :) FINALLY! I had to take an unexpected hiatus because my computer crashed hardcore. It was out of the blue, & seemingly indefinite at the moment. Thanks to a wise man named Mr. Jeff Mills, I now have my computer back online & running in better condition than when I first bought it brand new! YAY :)

I signed up for my classes today. I will be going to the Clearwater Campus all semester because I dont want to go to Gibb's & be reminded of certain things from Jonathan. I am not ready to deal with that & I just don't want to put myself in that situation. I have enough panic attacks as it is already & seeing visual reminders of things we did & places we hung out will make it that much harder on me. This is the best decision I could come up with to get myself ready for a fresh start back at college. & also, I finished putting my new room together. It feels like another world, & I am really proud to call this my bed room now. I just have my photo's left to get up onto the walls & then I shall be fully finished.

I had an excellent last weekend with Jamie, Kyle, Doug, & their friends for 3 days. It was really fun & I am glad I went up there to have our weekend long party fest. Great bonding time. Anyhow, I am so excited to see Skylar Poletz tomorrow & stay the night with her & then see Meghan Crane too! I haven't seen her in ages, & we are spending the day together & doing the beach. It will be a really special weekend, I hope! I have so much to get off my chest & tell them, I just cant wait to see them both!

But back to the book- its coming along. It has been rather slow the last 3 or so weeks, because of my computer not working but I did manage to get notes jotted done & pieces written here & there. So I shall be putting them into typed format pretty soon.

Info on the South Carolina trip is pretty sparse from last time. Dont have a date set, but it's coming up soon. I only have 5 more weeks of summer camp left & then I switch back to after care because school will be back in session for my little ones. Camp has been going excellently. I love my children as if they were my own kids & it has changed my opinion on wanting children. I think that I am more welcoming of the idea, because I can see how good of a mum I will be one day. But adopting is still on the plate big time. But who knows how the cookie will crumble, specially with my body being so out of wack. I have been so ill lately, I am surprised I am not in a hospital. I lost so much blood, I am anemic now. I have been put on meds to help with the bruising on my body & been given birth control to stop the constant flow of a non-stop period. I get a 3-7 day break in between a full cycle & then it happens again, which is why I lost so much blood. It went on for 3 & a half months & I am apparently incredibly allergic to birth control so they had to give me something invasive..(which was so scary)! Anyhow, I am not in pain anymore & no more bleeding for months at a time. & no more sickness from the meds as much either. That is good indeed.

I started working out daily, last week. So its been going well. I am determined to lose 30lb's & build back some muscle I lose. I Kayak twice a week & go swimming nearly every day, so it is helping as well. I have started Yoga again, but I cracked my back weird so now my shoulder hurts. Go figure haha.

Well, I am off to bed & getting ready for my awesome weekend. Buhbye everyone!

xo- LF

15.

2009-06-25T19:27:00.005-04:00

Got my results back today from my Dr.'s stuff! I had some major blood work done on Monday & everything came back well. I am super healthy they said~ Yay!! They Ovarian Cyst is going away & that will take some time. The only problem is, they still don't know what is causing my constant 'sickness'. They have come to the conclusion that my body is not in tune with my brain & not sending the right signals that I am overly stressed with 'life'. But, whatever. I can deal with it. I am a tough cookie, I'd say.

Leaving for S.C. in 3 weeks time! it is OFFICIAL!! Woot woot, yea!

Book going excellent. Can't really write much more because I am too excited & I might accidentally let something slip so I am trying to be careful.

Work has been really rough on me lately. I feel completely invisible. The only people that care & notice me is the kids. I wonder if my coworkers don't like me because the kids all love me. It might be discouraging to them. I don't know, but it makes me so sad & I try to hide it because they hardly ever talk to me except when they want to walk all over me & be nasty & rude to me. I am so kind & overly nice, I have never had to try so hard to get someone to be nice to me. Its not even like one of them. It's basically all of them. I feel like a ghost floating around whom only the children can see. Every day I leave I sit in my flippin' car & cry a stupid dumb river because they make me feel like a piece of garbage. I love the children & I love the stuff we do but its so hard when all the adults you work with have no legitimate reason for disliking you. This is all my personal opinion & for all I know they might even be surprised to know that I think they hate me.. but honestly, its pretty obvious. I wish the economy was better so I could go & ask to switch camps. I wouldn't even care if I had to drive far.. I just want to be treated like a normal human being & spoken too & acknowledged. I am so sick & tired of crying in my car. I am a nice girl. I ask them all how they are doing, how their weekends went- i try ti invest in them as a person & get to know them. I ask them if they need any help at work all the time, or if there is anything that I can do to help 'the situation' if they're in one at work. But I get ignored & cast aside & I mean honestly- I get enough of that from my 'friends' & at home. So its sort of hard when the only people in the world that seem to are about you & want anything to do with you are children. They're not even related to me! I wish I lived somewhere else, so that I was the new girl everyone wanted to know & be kind, caring, & considerate to. I hate Florida & I can not wait to get out & start a new life with new people. & the chances are my bad luck will follow me, but at least I'll be in a new town & I can live my life free of this bull that surrounds me at every angle of my life..

My home life is terrible. My family argues all the time. I pretend to sleep so I don't have to take part in it. I count down the days until the weekend so I can be free from the house & go out on a day trip with a real friend or by myself. I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of 'if I died today, no body would care' that it hurts my chest/heart as I think about it. Woo is me, boo hoo. I am sick of life throwing stones at my parents & not giving me Dad that opportunities in life he has worked for & deserved. FEAR THIS, FEAR THAT! Blah blah. Maybe the Saunders family is cursed? The only thing I am living for is my children at work most days, & my passion for writing(my book), & the belief I have in myself as a decent girl always striving to be better(by learning about God & such).

:(

14.

2009-06-20T10:05:00.001-04:00

Hello to all! I am mobile blogging, once again. My computer took a turn for the worst 2 weeks ago & I haven't had the courage to even turn it on to fiddle with it. I am waiting till my computer wiz of a brother can fix it(perhaps).

Anyhow, my lack of being able to communicate as well as having access to online resources & a typing outlet has slowed down my writing fractionally. I have had to resort to pencil, paper, & hand. It is not for the fact that I find it a tedious task now days, as I am so use to typing.. but mostly I get cramps in my hand, very easily too. So I haven't had such wonderful opportunities to complete much lately, but it will change as soon as my computer is fixed.

Also, I had a minor operation this past Monday. They camera'ed me up & scooped down my insides. They diagnosed me with Ovarian Cyst's which is why I have been so sick lately, but they don't know why the other things have been happening(random bleeding, blacking out,throwing up, fevers, etc.). So I am going to a specialist Dr. on Tuesday whom is going to do more investigating & different imaging techniques & cameras. Maybe another ultra sound, who knows. But I think I'll be okay. I'm trying to be brave, but I'm pretty scared. Its a battle only I can fight & even if my mum is in the room with me I'm still alone with the pain & suffering it is causing inside of my body. I am still alone in that room being the one with all these damn medical issues. But I truly am trying to be as positive as possible.

Update on the trip: Booking the room this week!! So looking forward to it =) Things are def on the rise for this book. Everything is going smoothly & I am just so grateful for my imagination & such. It is causing me to have some wild dreams, I'll admit that.. but I have a feeling they'll be worth it one day.

xo- LF

13.

2009-06-12T01:37:00.001-04:00

My trip up north is a go! I have not decided on an offical date, but I'm going to try & shoot for somewhere around the 4th of July. I have a couple reasons of which I'll list: firstly, it will be refreshing to see fireworks from another part of this magnificant world we live in(even if its not THAT far away, its far enough away to be somewhere else), secondly because I have a lot of touchy/rough memories attached with this upcoming Fourth of July because it will be the first big holiday I spent with Jonathan (a close friend, boyfriend at the time, who passed away recently) but this time I'll be spending it alone without him or anyone else. Not that its a big deal type of holiday for me. It just has a lot of deep emotional memories on that specific day. I can remember the smell of the salty air from the sea side & the tight feeling of my skin tenderly burnt from the sun the previous day. Spending that whole day with him & all the silly things we ended up getting into & talking about. I want to make a new memory instead of wollowing in the pain of his passing. & thirdly, I think they're will be a lot of parents taking their kids out of the summer camp I am currently working at for extended vacations with families. So that way I won't feel to terrible about leaving my lovely kids for a while & having the strain be harder on my co-workers.

But lastly, my departure date is dependant on one thing- my parents. It will be hard on them to have to spend this holiday so far from my brother & I (since my bro is coming along for the trip). But, if I explain to them my reasoning I think they'll say yes to that.

It is a 380-ish mile drive. Roughly 7 & a half hours(depending on traffic could be more or less). I plan to split the driving between 3 hours, stop & rest, then another 3 hours. I get sleepy when I'm driving very easily. My mind gets boards & my eyes wander. I need music on constantly along with artic blasting air lol. & without fail, my brother always falls asleep so I'll be alone for this intense drive. ROAD TRIP!! Things have fallen into place & they really are going to happen! I'll be leaving within the next 3 to 4 weeks. The exact date is not set in stone, but I am hoping, like I previously stated- sometimes over the 4th of July weekend/week. But who knows for sure. I'm flexible, mostly.

Anyhow, I had a very progressive weekend. I got alot of my thoughts down on paper & much more of it properly put into order. I had a very good & long talk with someone of great closeness to my heart- they have helped me with the ideas that I have flowing & it really is going awesome places. I can't wait to share! I hate to be so vauge, but it seems best at the moment. Ohhh, but when the day comes :) I'll be beaming my face off!

Love to all- LF

12.

2009-06-02T00:55:00.001-04:00

I have had so much inspiration yesterday evening & all of today. I am actually overwhelmed. I couldn't get it all out of me, I am going to need to talk things out with a close friend soon or else my imagination will run away with itself(in a good way lol)!

Beautiful eyes.- Oh, do I have the description that will blow your imagination out of the ball park or what!!! Eee! I can hardly wait to share :)

Strongly looking for a literary agent now days. I haven't really had my hands on that process, but its being delt with well. I need one so that they are legally bound by laws to help me organize my thoughts & writing. I don't NEED one asap, but the times coming up soon when I will.

Today has been too exciting for words. I stayed up far too late last night reading & researching. I spent 2 hours alone looking up climatology reports & I then way more goggling maps of all of their roads, & checked out the schools, shopping district, entertainment, birth rates(random junk too), etc.- basically the whole nine yards of the site I've homed in on. Oh yes, did I mention I found the site!! These people better look out, cause I am headed in to rock their worlds very quickly. I am going to emerce myself in it all & make this new world a reality. I am going to live & breath it as dangerously close to the edge of fiction as humanily possible. I owe the best to whom ever my readers will be one day.

Kay, well I am super duper tired. Have a nice Tuesday to you all :)

xo- LF

11.

2009-06-01T00:40:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was so unsuccessful. I had a crummy day, but thats because I was to stubborn too get over myself. Whatever, I am better now. I had a productive evening- well technically morning since I was up until 3am writing. I finished & rewrote that little short story on my other blog. I like it, but I have recieved mixed reviews. I don't mind in the slightest. Can't really expect everyone to be a fan. Some said it was great, others said it was poorly written. My Dad liked it least of all, so it seems. He said what was the point of trying to give the reader any chance at creating their own image in their minds if I filled in all the gaps. He said I was too flowery & descpirtive. That may be the case, so I took it to heart. I should learn a valuable lesson, & I think I will. I can not paint the entire picture. Which, I think I may have done unknowingly. I shall work on that..

I am having a bit of frustration. I started writing the prologue- for the 6th time. But this time with my Dad's voice echoing in my head- not too much flowery details. I am struggeling with knowing where to draw the line on too much. What a silly sounding struggle. Anyhow, I am pushing forward.

I guess I should thank my family & friends for all the critical advise. It is helpful, even if it is hard to hear(which I am not at that stage where it was 'hard to hear', but I am sure I am bound to write something poorly soon enough & then it will be hard to hear lol). I am glad at least I have an honest family whom would rather be the ones to butcher & rip apart my work first. Thats oddly comforting. Mehh. If it sucks, I'd rather know now so I can work on making it better.

Link to the short story here:
http://lorenfay.blogspot.com/

10.

2009-05-30T01:42:00.004-04:00

Hi Hi Hi! I have been pretty sick lately, so blogging has kinda been lower down on my to-do list. Anyhow, now that I am up & about & able to sit at the computer.. here is the 411.

I have been writing my flipping hands off! Not in a bad way. Just a bit intense, that is all. I have rewritten my prologue officially 5 times now, & perhaps more on the way. It is not that I don't like it, its just that I won't settle for anything more then amazing. I am nearly ready to share with you a TEASER of the prologue, but not just yet. Sorry to keep you on the edge of your seat, but it is an edgy sort of situation we are dealing with anyhow :)

I am pleased to announce that this is my first weekend in over a month & a half that I am completely free of any obligations. That means- WRITING WRITING WRITING! YAY!! I am a little over excited about my lack of popularity this weekend haha.

Sad news now- I had to throw out one of the main characters names. It's not like a BIG deal, but I was pretty attached to the name & it really suited the character. It was just too similar to a name from a well known novel & I was not going to associate myself with that possible drama law-suit later on down the line. So, I will give you a brief list of the names I have decided on. Don't get your knickers in a knot though, you don't know who they are yet ;) so for now it is nothing more than a name too you! However, to me.. it is quite different as they are now a deep part of my life in a literal way(I can hardly stop thinking about them & how they continue to develop as I write- which I would say is a good thing!).

So, here are just a few of the chosen names:

Jane Taylor(aka. JT)
Elijah(aka. Eli)
Jyllianna(aka. Jyll)
Emmalla(aka. Em)
Alexander(aka. Alex)
Eleanor(aka. Elle)
Emerson
Odette
Cecilia
Amelia
Cassandra(aka. Cassie)
Caleb
Tala
Gregor
Samuale(aka. Sam)
Elliot
Tabitha(aka. Tabby)
Abigale(aka. Abby)
Uzra
Rowen
Simone
Ruby
Parker
Amanda(aka. Mandy)
Brantley
Jaxon
William
Harry
Louise
Elizabeth(aka. Liz)
& last but not least..
Lilith(aka. Lili)

Those are just a few of the decided names. The reason for all the nicknames if primarily because I haven't decided on whether or not to use the nick name only, or the full name. It is a deciding process that can come along later. The names are no long a priority at all.. to be honest, I have names coming out of my eye balls from all of you awesome helpers (which I thank you once more! Thank you times a hundred.) They are still subject to change, but some of you were curious in messages I received. So there you go! PS. I am not a fan of common names, as you an probably tell by now. The boring lame ones are the ones I left out.. because there a bunch more of those written & webbed out ;) I didn't want to waste your time.

Anyhow, I can't stop yawning so I must head off to bed if I want to get better from these illnesses any time soon! Hoe you all have a lovely weekend.

xo- LF

09.

2009-05-20T11:10:00.002-04:00

Website is coming along. Which is great. I am pleased to annouce I am happy with the progress. More updates later.

I am sitting at the Honda dealership as they service my car. I am having my oil changed, Auxillary button fixed/replaced, driver's side visor replaced(because, for the second time it is faulty & has broken), new wipers put on, & a courtesy vaccum & car wash. At least they have computer's here to use. I am SO thankful for having this warrenty on my car. Cause if it wasn't there, I would never love any car as much as I love mine. It has been an interesting observation to see how many small things can go wrong inside of a brand new car within less than 2 years. As soon as my lease is up in another 2 years I will most certainly not buy a car. I will lease a new car again. So, that is a good plan for someone of my age who doesn't make enough money to buy one nor wants to buy one. It means every 4 or so years that my lease ends I can have a new car. Which is a good too. But, I always want that warrenty to be there. I could never afford these stupid little things that go wrong with a car. Leasing is the way to go. Even if I was rish out of my eye balls, I would never buy a stupid car. They devalue instantly you drive them off the lot like to half the price. Car's are rediculous. But hey, you gotta get around somehow. I love my black 2008 pretty honda that I take such good care of, but I just wouldn't buy a car.

More writing to be done later tonight. Mostly tomorrow as I spend hours sitting waiting in the airport.. waiting for my parents plane to land & pick up their bags. Blah blahhh. At least I like TIA, so it will give me some decent inspiration.

08.

2009-05-19T13:36:00.003-04:00

I have COMPLETED the prologue! Yes, I said COMPLETED!! WOW, is it good or what! I am so stoked, I can hardly contain it. It is so brilliantly thought out, my brain is in awe of how I managed it. I am proud of myself like never before. Who would have known how ready I really was! I shall be starting the first chapter VERY soon.. eee!!!

Dropped my parents off at the airport this morning. I am so rediculously tired I shall do nothing but come home & sleep tonight. I am off to work now, later gators ;)

07.

2009-05-17T02:35:00.003-04:00

I got some official writing done today! WOOT! I am not sharing though. Not for a LONG while.. anyways, today had been so long I am surprised I can even write this. I woke up at 5:30am. Had to be at my working site at 7:15am(which one of my co-workers was late-ish: tony! lol) I drove to countryside with them in my car & we all had training with the whole regional group of the Sun Coast YMCA from 8-2. 6 hours of camp training stuff!! It wasn’t too boring. Don't get me wrong, I mean I kinda enjoyed wandering around & doing my own thing, picking my own classes & meeting a butt load of people from all over the county(& Polk, Pasco, & Hernado), but it was such a long day. I came home & crashed from 4pm-8:30pm. It sucked cause my bro & mum went to see the movie Angels & Demons & I missed it cause I was too tired to get up.. mehh. I got some writing in, & had dinner. Took another nap & then had to make a midnight Walmart run with the bro. It is my parents 22nd Anniversary tomorrow & I forgot to get a card. Woopsi! Anyways, problem solves on top of me buying the book I have been wanting FOREVER hardcore, & $10 cheaper at Walmart than boarders. It is a new book, just out. The Host by Stephanie Meyer. I am way excited, cause it was the only one left on the shelves(like it was destine to be mine! haha!) I am going boating with Andrea, Justin, Julia, & Blake tomorrow all day. We are leaving at 11am so I am pretty excited. I haven’t attempted tubbing in oh say somewhere around 3 years. My first & last time was a bad experience & I have been terrified of it since. So I am branching out & re-trying it. Wish me luck!! Movies with Mark tomorrow night prob- Angels & Demons. I heard it wasn't spectacular, but I am still interested in seeing it. Have a nice rest of the weekend folks.

By the way, thank you once again for all the names pouring in left & right. It is so useful & honestly wonderful. It has helped a great deal. Thank you to everyone for your input!

Lots of love- LF.

06.

2009-05-16T01:03:00.007-04:00

I got a lot done today. I read out my drafting idea's to my Mum who just stared blankly at me the whole time. I asked her why she was looking at me like that(thinking she was going to say something I might not like to hear), but she did not. She said the very opposite(for once..). She could not believe the depth of my thoughts & research within the course of a week. I did mention that it was a bit longer, like a week & a half that the thoughts were running through my mind before I came to the conclusion I was finally ready to write a book. She said, none the less, it was fantastic. I will blow your minds away, this I am sure of now! If my Mum says something even faintly nice about my progress & ideas, I am pretty certain it is a good thing. I have a feeling it is going to be hard keeping the details of the 'topic' under wraps. It's content are tightly stored way in the minds of only three other people, besides myself. Two of which are family members & the other a dear dear friend whom I know well enough to know will never say a word :) As for names, I finally think that I have them all. I have plenty now, & I am mostly set into play with their parts, be it now or later on. This is going to be epic. Literally ;) LOL. Anyhow, I shall have my first pages written by tomorrow night! Try that on for size. Woop woop! Thank you to everyone for 'donating' your names & suggestions lately, haha. You wont be sorry! I am considering putting up tid-bits of pieces here & there of my writing- teasers, if you will. Perhaps.

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I had a nice evening out with mister Mark Davis, Jordan Wilkins, Purvis, & my little bro. We went to Smilies & had ourselves a good couple of laughs. It was great. Afterward, went to buy an Anniversay card for the parents at midnight with my bro, then came home to write this & head off to bed. I have a training class at 7am-2pm tomorrow. After that I shall come home & spend my afternoon on the beach typing & writing. I am so feverishly excited to get this thing offically going(I may take that back in a few weeks if I get writer's block lol, but lets not jinx it for now haha). I am missing Brittany Ann Gieselman already, though I am certain she is safe & sound asleep in the jungles of Ecuador. This girl has a big & good heart inside of her. I must go to bed now. Farewell to thee! Goodnight world.

05.

2009-05-14T13:38:00.003-04:00

Today has been a long day already.. & it's just barely begun! Had a doctors appointment(ew), then lunch with mum, & now I am finishing a bit of research inbetween now & going to work. I get off at 6pm but I am headed to a bible study group in Clearwater-ish area. Brittany Geiselman's last day in Florida is today. She flies out to Ecuador Friday(tomorrow) at 2pm & I am really going to miss her alot. But it will be very good for her to share God with these people that she has a passion for. It is really special to see that situation work through her & her life. I am glad that I will be spending her last evening here with her & some other nice people.

Anyhow, I am happy to announce that I am nearly complete with my research! For now at least. Day three of research is today! I gotta get my all Mythology finalized & finish researching the histories. Offical drafting will commence this Friday(tomorrow) which I am pretty excited about. I am running out of floor space for my paper work! Names are nearly all set in place, now I am just putting them together with the correct characters. I may need a couple more middle names for some pivatal characters, but for now I think I am set. Not all of them will have more than a first name anyways.

More late.

04.

2009-05-14T00:30:00.003-04:00

Name's are a go! I have probably 3/4th's of them ready & I am pretty pleased with them. I have a decent amount of people to thank for letting me borrow their names, or at least a derivative of it. So, THANK YOU!! You will be thanked properly in print one day ;)

I have just completed DAY TWO of some pretty intense researching. I am happy to announce, I am overloaded with information & notes. This is very good. The drafting is nearly complete in that aspect. Thus that means the drafting for the story line can begin very soon! This is good news!

Also, I actually have some quote's for the beginning of the book(s) that I randomly stumbeled upon with researching. They popped out at me & I could not resist their perfectness. They are so fitting it was as if they were made for me to see them for this very moment in life when I would decide to write what it is that I am writing. Brilliant, I say! Today has been very fulfilling with the things that I was looking for & working on.

03.

2009-05-13T02:46:00.002-04:00

Jane Taylor Shawe or Reily Jane Shawe? I'm beginning to lean towards the first one because it rolls off the tongue nicer than the second. That is the only name I have had luck with coming up with. It has become evident to me that I need a great deal of help with names because I can not keep writting boy & girl in my drafting notes. Its becoming a bit confusing. Names need to be first unfortunatly. I know their characters in my mind a decent amount enough to be able to say yes, maybe, or no to a name. Any ideas are greatly welcomed. ASAP! I have looked through baby name web sites & the roster of kids names at work. I'm now looking for the main boys name & any other names for all the other MANY characters I am aware that will be in this tale. Its blossoming intensely fast & it really is a bit of a shock at the material I keep having thrown my way. Thank to the year of 2005 when I moved to the beaches & experienced my first 3 hurricanes in a spane of less than a month. Those memories of weather are going to be so spectacularlly recalled. I have asked some friends quietly for permission to use their names & it has been a rather positive answer each time. I laughed when my friend begged me to use her's & she didn't care if they were a good character or bad. Made me giggle a lot. I am using names in accordance with era for some of the characters & some will be more modern than others. So I need old & new-ish names.. Not too modern, but I am very much aware of their 'time' in history of which they'll be from & what names were common back 'then'. Can't give too much away!! Anyways, please don't be offended if I don't use yours or how I choose to use your name. it has no reflection of you what so ever really. Just my idea of what will suit the character & a bit of my taste in preferance as well.

Lately, this week.. being only two days into it.. it has gone decent. I enjoyed the Night of Theology at a friends house & going to College & Career @ Feathersound tonight. Just felt better than it did before. Distractions aside

02.

2009-05-10T23:08:00.004-04:00

I need help with character names. I wanted to use the names of constellations & stars, but J.K. Rowling used alot of cellestial names (though I'm not quite sure she had planned or knew that, but probably does now). It is a thought.. but I wanted simple names as well. For the subtal characters & the main ones. I have the most brilliant story brewing & it seems almost too good to be true that I am the first to have thought of this. I better get cracking before someone else comes up with my idea & has their published first!! I am getting bored with Publishing companies trying to approach me with offers for book deals or page deals for my poetry. It is tirersome because I think half of them are scandalous & just want to steal my work or arn't offering me the copy rights I was interested in. No deals until I hear the right one. My parents think the same thing & are backing me up entierly on that subject matter. But if you have any ideas for names.. any at all. EMAIL ME! I may even use your name if you offer it..

losurf24@yahoo.com

01.

2009-05-10T22:34:00.007-04:00

Last night I dreamt of Jonathan again. Alive. We were at the Tide's Resort (as we had been there together before) & we were swinging on the hammocks. I droped his phone into a watery ash tray (as I did like 8 months ago during the summer) & he took mine & throw it into the ocean (which didn't happen- just in the dream). All of a sudden my brother came into me room at 11:30am-ish & screams at me to get up to give my Mum her card & gift. I was torn from my dream. It was going so perfect. I was sound asleep & it was so very real. My dreams are always vivid. The perks or downfall of having an imagination, it never turns off. I woke up in shock. I was ripped from this place that I wanted to be by a bugger who I wanted to kill (at that moment..). He had no idea what he had done & I was instantly overwhelemed with this uncontrolable saddness & I just burst into tears screaming bloody murder. My brother starts yelling horrible things at me & my parents come running in to see what he has done to me. I couldn't talk over my tears & they woudln't leave me alone. I wanted so badly to go back to sleep & see him. To see his face & feel his boney fingers smashing my little ones as he held them inside of his. But I had my concerned parents leaning my bed with me in shock crying my eyes out. I finally managed to get out what he had done by waking me so horribly & said it put me into shock & they forced him out of the room & they finally left me to my lone. I had worked myself up so much over crying I managed to fall back asleep for another hour. But it wasn't him in my dreams. I was under water. I was breathing, living under the water. I could feel it on my face (which was actually my cold tears that had seeped into my pillow from bawling before I had dozed back off).. it was surreal. I woke up much more content & on my own this time around 1pm-ish. I went out & gave my Mum her card & gifts & had a light lunch & went back to my room. I laid down on my bed & prayed for my heart to be calm today. To not feel as if I were on the vurge of tears every moment of the day as usual. Well, I guess I didn't pray good enough or something because it didn't happen. I went to the beach at 2:30-ish all by myself & fell asleep for maybe 30mins. No dreams. Just a quiet rest in tune with the gulf's waves. Next thing I know I wake up & bolted up from the sand & started sobbing. I knew people were around me watching, but I just tried to keep it quiet as best as possible. No one paid too close of attention fortunatly. I was able to get ahold of myself quickly I would say, so I stopped crying in about 5 minutes. I layed out at the beach until 6:25pm & then went home. Got in the shower to get all the sand & sea water off of my body because I actually went swimming alone as well. I felt a bit of bravery earlier on in the day I suppose. Got dressed in a nice dress & we went out for Mother's Day dinner & it was horrible. My family had a good time because it was all food they could eat. Not one thing on the menu that was suitable to my chicken only appatite. It sucked. We had been there before but they had a special 'Mother's Day menu' so they only had fish, other sea food products, lamb, stake, duck, & baby cow! I just sat there in silence cause I was so sad. Not only was I upset that they didn't offer one thing of chicken so I couldn't eat (which would have been my first real meal of the day), but it was a restaurant I had been to with Jonathan last May & I couldn't help but be overwhelemed by misery & total sadness since my whole day seemed to be revolved around my horrible dream. I wanted to just not exist at the very split second I knew I had woken up. I was back to reality, the reality in which he had died & I didn't get to have him in my life anymore. Back to the place the made me a total weak wreackage & I had to hodl back all of my emotions so I didn't upset my Mum on her 'special day'. It was so hard. Fighting the tears that I knew were destine to break out of my eye balls soon enough if I didn't get home. I just kept the speaking to a minamal & shortly we came home. Now I am sitting here writing this instead of getting into bed & curling into a ball to cry myself back to sleep. I am just looking forward to work tomorrow. Seeing the children smile & laugh. Making their boo-boo's go away & putting band-aids on the cuts & hugging them when theyre crying because they fell over. Watching them as they run through the door of the cafeteria screaming 'hi miss loren!' at the top of their itty bitty lungs. Knowing how much I mean to them & how much I know I change their days just by being their grown-up friend & the cool older person they get to hang out with at the Y after school. Waiting for them to drag me to their classrooms to meet their teachers & show me off to their parents. It makes me glad to be alive, for them. Tomorrow the Space Shuttle is launching at 2:01pm as well.. so I have my passion of outer space travel to look forward to admiring in the afternoon sky. It will be the last space flight in the space shuttle. It is really a big step & change of the Aerospace history as of tomorrow, in my books anyways. Well, I am off to bed to go & read a book.. well, finish it actually. I have been trying to save the final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn. I have been saving it up to it's very last few pages & its killing me that it is over basically. I read all four books in the course of 3 days basically. But the final one I just stretched out over 5 days so I could have something decent to look forward to instead of going to bed crying or reading something boring. It is lame that I read all of the final two Harry Potter books in 2 days(a weekend) & then started the Twilight books (which I thought would suck, but my brother bought me two of them so I wanted to read them cause I had nothing left in my room to read).. They might have been writen by a poorly educated author, but hey.. shes the lucky one rolling in the bucks. I actually have made a committment to myself. Even if it takes years, I am going to write a book. For real this time. Not start it & get a quarter of the way through & give up liek my last 3 or 4 attempts. I am really going to do it this time. I am starting the research on my 'subject' & my creative juices are already flowing. It could really be something special. I am sick of reading other peoples work when I know that I am just as good, if not better & fully capable of writing an excellent novel. I am going to do it. Funny thing is, I know who I am dedicating it to already..