Missing & loving my old & new friends.

I am in my last and final full semester at college. Then I have to take on class over the summer and I'll be graduating. I wish that a few of my best &/or close friends could be there for me, but I don't have enough courage to ask them to come. I don't actually think I'll even go to the 'officially' graduation, cause I basically have no friends left anyhow. Sad, but true. I can just get my diploma in the mail, pack my things, move out, then get out of Florida. There's nothing left for me here. No one cares where I go to be honest (besides my parents and doggies), but maybe that's a good thing. Less attachment.

I have stopped writing. I don't know for how long that will be, but I just can't do it anymore. Not because I am giving up on the book, but partially because I have given up on myself. I am sure I'll come back to it in the near future once I get a grip on myself and keep things under control, but at the moment my life is so overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry and run away. Maybe its a good thing I have no friends, cause then I would probably kill myself with being overwhelmed.

Andrea (one of my best friends) is going back to California in a week and a half and I wont see her again till mid June. Ill have no friends that live anywhere near me, once more. Erica is a great friend. She has given me the proper comfort and support in this time in my life that I have needed from a good, real, and true person. I am glad to have her in my life. And Jamie & I are friends again, which is good, but our schedules are so out-of-sync that we will never see each other anyhow which is sad cause we need some bonding time. Michelle & I are building our friendship back to its strength and greatness that it use to be, which is excellent and I am happy about. She is a great person inside and out and I can't see my life without her in it. I just wish she lived closer so we could just drive up the road to each other when we needed a shoulder to lean on. Skylar is a great & best friend with a great big heart but I have always felt like a bad friend for burdening her with my issues, even though I do from time to time, but she has a whole new busy life and I feel like a jerk for putting my stuff on her shoulders so I don't do it as much anymore. She has such a big life with a huge loving family and she is so lucky to have that love that is constantly shown to her. I admire her for balancing her life and keeping on track with her goals and what she knows God wants for her. I miss Brittany G., Stephanie T. and Anna Taylor a lot, but I can't keep up with their lives and I'm not apart of them. I offended them all greatly with me pushing them away and being rude and rotten to them all, so now I'm left with the whispey ruminates of memories of our friendship. It's is all my fault I believe, but I feel there is nothing I can do about it anyhow. I feel helpless and stupid. Breanne and I are so distant, it is very disheartening. It is both of our faults, but there doesn't seem like there is much to do on that one at this moment in our lives. I wish it was different, but literal distance, and having nothing in common has seemingly torn us apart :(

But, those things are just my perspective at the moment.

I miss Kenny a lot. More than I have the words to tell him. I miss his stupid jokes that I never got until everyone was done laughing. I miss the kindness that his good mother taught him and how he was always (& still does) trying to be nothing more than a true, good christ-following young man. I miss the fact he doesn't know how much I admire that, even from afar. I miss his awkward hugs (cause he never seemed to want to do them, & I understood why).. I miss listening to him playing the piano in the pitch black dark of church and I miss hearing him pound away on the drums downstairs. I miss texting him and waking him up to tell him retarded things and actually having him respond to me when he had already been sleeping (because he was a good enough friend to wake up and read it and write back). I miss the fact he was kind enough to help me when I had crutches (I don't miss the crutches though, cause goodness knows I couldn't use those dang things!!). I miss his impeccable sense of style (lol, I'm not kidding. If I was a boy I'd dress like him). I miss seeing him write things on his blog as much, though its probably due to him being busy. I miss taking trips to the park with the boys and I miss being the only girl and having fun hanging out in the C&C room until all hours of the night. I miss the Slushers and their unwordably abundant kindness and good things their did for me. I miss late night talks with Emily. I miss the little Slushers and seeing the sleepy faces in the morning before church and how I felt like they were my little siblings as I helped everyone get ready for Sunday morning church. I miss going to the beach with the boys at midnight and watching the stars and laughing like people without a care in the world (though we all had hard things troubling us). I miss late night meals with the boys. I miss Randy and his cheesy grin and the fact all the ladies flocked to him like a magnet and I always knew/know what he is thinking, as if I were in his mind LOL. I miss all of the older people from First Baptist daily. I just think about Monday mornings when I went with Ben to SALT's and played games with them and had great conversation and great "lessons on life". Seems like many of them are passing away, left and right, and I left so abruptly, I don't have the courage to go back. I wish I was friends with Ben again, like we use to be. I gave in to my stubbornness and decided it wasn't worth being angry at him anymore for the wrongs he did. I haven't really forgiven him, or anyone to be honest.. mostly just forgotten, or moved on. Sometimes I feel a bit of anger rise up if I dwell, but I try not to. When I get so overwhelmed, things just slip away. I slip away. I did that you know. I slipped away, because I got too overwhelmed and I couldn't handle the pain and suffering and I mourned in silence for my loss and I cried out in pain and anguish the wrong way. I hated people and I gave up on myself. I left fear and pain eat me alive, as it still does from time to time (but I'm working on it). I miss the youth kids from church and I miss their good attitudes and their smiles and their conversations and genuineness. I miss Brittany, Victoria, and Kyana a ton. I think of them every day, and I doubt that they do me, but I always hope that they are doing well with whatever they are up to in their lives. I miss Bubba, John David, Mark Davis (even though I still see him from time to time when we hang out), I miss the Hales, & Elias. I miss Kaeli and her beautiful voice and music talents that match her beautiful personality. I miss the Branches ( & Carl). I miss Ninja (the gray kittie cat that made me fall in love with cats and hope that I am fortunate enough to get a cat like Ninja one day). I miss Peanut. I miss sleeping on that uncomfortable couch at the Branches. I miss their open hearts and kind, forgiving arms that always welcomed me in for hugs. I miss meeting random people at that house. I miss J.J. and his warm and inviting laugh. I miss his kids(that I hardly knew, but I knew they were good kids on the inside and they knew God). I miss his wife Beth, because Jonathan always told me how awesome she was, but I never got to find out. I miss the freedom of having everyone and everything the way it was, back when we knew life as a temporary perfection. Until it changed. Until I changed, I suppose.

I can't help but agree with my arguing self that I don't believe in God and I have never felt more let down with myself over anything in my life. I am completely empty and apathetic towards life. I just stopped taking all of my meds about two weeks ago. I think that I need to do this depression thing on my own. I just don't know where to begin. I expect the church's answer to be "God", but thats not sufficient enough for me. I need more. I need a helping hand. I need a hug. I need a shoulder to cry on and I need someone to tell me their care about me and that my life isn't a waste of time. But I'm not getting it, and I am really good at hiding my tears.

I could say how much I miss Jonathan here but I really can't. Idon't really feel or know how to share that information correctly without just bursting into unending tears. It's too personal to get in depth about and I can't even figure out my emotions to explain them properly anyhow. Their such a miss-mush of confusion, anger, pain, and questions. It has only really started to sink in about a month ago that he really is gone. His twentieth birthday just passed by this Wed, Jan 20th, 2010. His death of one year is creeping up on me exceedingly fast and I just feel like I have been living in a daze for about 12 months.. it's true, I really have. I am only now beginning to see past the fog of this year fractionally, but some days are a rougher storm than others. I see a grief counselor secretly, once every 2 or 3 weeks. It isn't really working, but its nice to have someone who isn't objective to talk to about my feelings of his passing. I don't know how to deal. But it's not like there is a manual for this sort of thing. I am assuming the church would say, "the bible is", but once more, that's not an answer to me. Thats a band-aid. I need more than a band-aid. Jesus is more than a band-aid. I get that. But it's all talk as far as I'm concerned.

I thought I believed. I really did. I must have been super confused or super dumb. I'm not easily pursued, and that's why I thought I believed. No one pursueded me into anything. I learnt and taught myself of my own accord. I enjoyed God, most of the time. But now I don't know anything and I feel like a ghost, fading away into the memories of those people that I love(d) and listed above. Since I don't love or seemingly know their God, then it's okay to let me go because I am less important.

:/

I'm taking 5 classes this semester, and I work full time. I think I am going to die. Truly. Only two weeks in and I can't keep up at all. I am more overwhelmed than I even imaged was possible. I need some encouragement and hope in my life. Because I am down to nothing.